On a lonesome night,
Wintry, crisp, remote;
Tumbled notes of faith
From an inky cloak.
As the frost-buds dropped
On the slumb'ring loam,
All the stars were hidden
In their sable dome.
Swept and carried off
Through the silent trees,
Together we sought
Heaven’s mysteries.
Our hands entwined
Beneath a somber moon.
Tomorrow’s prospects:
Unmarked sands, bestrewn.
The tapestry bright
With disparate threads;
God’s matchless blessing
Released on our heads.
** This is the edited version...many thanks to all of you for your suggestions. Please tell me what you think of the revision!
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139,425 Literary Works • 672,560 Reviews
seven Hey there, another random piece I have chosen to review, and I stumbled upon you. xD Now, let's see...
I really enjoyed this piece. Many things contributed to this, but I have perhaps my favourites:
imagery
I loved the balance of concrete and abstract, it was beautiful. You had complete control over my mind for several minutes. You most certainly have a talent for painting scenes. xD
Olde worde choice
I adore your use of slightly if not older but more unusual words. An enigmatic and different approach to creating imagery. The word choice is not bland, nor boring, rather wonderful, quite exquisite. I shall not get carried away but truly, I love the imagery in this poem.
Rhythm
I like the rhyme in this poem, as it does not seem forced, instead it flows naturally and is something I can see flows out of you. I really dislike poems that are forced around a rhyme scheme instead of the rhyming scheme just falling naturally in between the cracks of the poem, or so to speak.
overall
Sorry for the critique being so short, but I am currently trying to do one hundred critiques in five days, just... don't ask...
Get me to come back later and give you a better review. xD
~Kirsten
you have SUCH a sophisticated vocabulary senorita rosa, which ive always been jealous of. i loved that aspect of this poem. okay maybe vocabulary isnt what i mean, its just that the language you use is always way...i dont know, inteligent sounding. anyways so yea i really liked the language in this poem.
and you know i hate giving critiques but i have to agree with the above mentioned fact that this poem would work better if it had punctuation at the end of the lines. i mean some poems can deal without punctuation, but id say those are more modern, e.e. cummings-ish poems, rather than more old-fashioned, sophisticated poems like this one. so yea just add some punctuation and itll be just lovely.
Ello, dearie, mind if I take a quick look-see at your lovely little poem here?
^_^ I have no nit-picks on the following stanzas, for I think they are written well and consistently. Your rhyme and rythm see quite perfect, and none of your words seem as if they were forced into the poem just to open up the oppurtunity for rhyme. I hate it when poems have such a strict rhyming scheme that the entire poem is centered around the rhyme alne, but here you managed to wrap a lovely rhyme around an even lovlier poem. Well done, dear!
However, I find the word 'bestrewn' an odd choice of words. I do realize that you needed a rhyme, but there are many other things to rhyme with 'moon', and this word seems a bit abstract and old-fashioned for this piece. It certainly does have a formal and sophisticated air to it, but bestrewn isn't a particulary pretty-sounding word to me, to put it bluntly.
Otherwise, I thought this was a very nice little poem. It has magnificant imagery and a very gentle, soft flow to it; nothing was jarring or left a bad taste in my mouth. Congrats, and see you around!
~Evi
I scrolled down and saw that this only had one review, so I thought I'd try and fix it.
Overall, it was really good. The rhyme scheme actually worked (I hate rhyming poems in general) and it had some really pretty images.
My only nitpick is this line:
"hidden" flows better and is grammatically correct.
Also, I second Darko's call for punctuation. It makes poems so much easier to read if the reader isn't like "wait, should there be a period there?" Don't over-do it though; just punctuate the way you would if it were in paragraph form.
Overall, good job and keep writing!
Hi, me again......
Nice. Better.
Your major problem is punctuation. Really, it needs to be done. Other than that, it's ok. I would appreciate if you try to explain the poem with your own words in this topic cause I didn't understand it completely (some parts)...